I don't know much about Hannah Montana, or Miley Cyrus in general. I know she's very popular with young girls, and that if you're old enough to be reading this blog then you're probably to old to be looking down her blouse hoping for a nipple slip.
What did I just say to you, perv??
It starts off with a concert starring Hannah, Miley's super-secret alter-ego. As a fan of comic books I enjoy this ridiculous pretense, because it gives me the chance to geek out. When one girl I was watching this with foolishly made the mistake of saying it was like Superman just being Clark Kent without glasses, I got to explain at her (not to, she didn't deserve that) that Clark is always about two inches shorter the Superman due to his posture, his voice is different, and there's a long history of Clark being photographed with Superman. Stupid girls don't know anything about comics!
As the film continues, we see the less popular Miley, engaging in high school girl tomfoolery like being bad at sports and making promises she can't keep. Vanessa Williams is her publicist, and she pulls her out of school to go shopping. And wow, Vanessa's age has finally caught up to her. I'd still fuck her - cause she's black - but she's nowhere near peaking. Her job seems to be to turn Hannah into a bitch, because she has her blowing off her friends to go get in catfights with Tyra Banks. Not that I'm against that - cause she's black.
She also misses her brother Jackson leaving for college; which is a real shame because Jackson is a link in the tradition of awesome big brothers from Disney Channel, like Even Steven's Donnie and Justin Russo from The Wizards of Waverly Place. I'm introduced to Jackson as a loud hick who falls out of a truck window, and thats all I need to be a fan.
Miley is running late for her friend Lilly's 16th birthday party, when she realizes she's being stalked by a paparazzo. In a poor choice of choosing, she chooses to crash the party as Hannah, keeping her identity but upstaging her friend. Also this haircut is there, and he blows up a cake.
Lilly is pretty pissed, and says something to the paparazzo about where she was really from. Thats cold. Billy Ray Cyrus is here, and he's actually the second best character in the movie. He's a fairly regular dad, but a bit of a straight man and it works with things being kind of goofy elsewhere. Plus the guy gets way to much chit over 'Achy Breaky Heart', when any real music fan knows 'Coulda Been Me' was the best song on that cassette. He lays down some law, and when Miley acts like a bitch he tricks her into going to Tennessee instead of going to NY for an award show.
She of course is not pleased, ect ect until she meets semi-hunk Travis Brody, who's got a nice midwest charm but a seemingly under-developed body. I'm not hating, he just seems to skinny for his frame and voice, and if he bulked up it couldn't hurt him in any way.
He insults her a little, then implies she's "gone California". Its nice the way places hate other places for no good reason. Fuck New York. I'm going to leave of here for now, but when we pick up Miley tries to go native, some dumb chick welds an engine, and Jackson gets eaten by an alligator. Until then!
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