I wouldn't have given it a second though, except then my dad goes "I can think of a worst place to be huh?". It may have been the first time I heard him say something like that, so the movie has always resonated as a part of my growing-up.
But it fucking sucks. I did like it at 15; there was a big monster and shit. Rewatching it, I was less them impressed. The second time I watched it was 2002 or so. I don't remember anything in particular, except not enjoying it as much. It took more then bad cg to entertain me by then.
And then I rewatched it this week. And I hate so much of it. There is still some gold - the mayors 30 second phone conversation with Lt. D'Agosta about why he better have the museum open for an exhibit that for some reason starts with him talking about his wife's cleavage? That was great.
The cleavage wasn't as good as the line, but it's okay. He was still entertaining and likable, something half the movies leads weren't. He also showed up during a major lull in the movie; when we were had been focusing on Dr. Green.
I do like Tom Sizemore and his little cop squad. Other than being superstitious and missing his dog, D'Agosta doesn't have any character other then "I'm a cop", but it works well enough for the movie. There's nothing else I needed from him. Sometimes its okay to root for a hero just because he wants to stop the bad guy, simple a motivation as that is.
But now lets look at whats wring with the movie. I'll start with the small stuff. The CG is bad. Just bad. It was the 90's, and 90% of cg was bad, so I'm not counting that against it too much. Besides, the live-action creature looked decent, and the design was cool.
Secondly, for some reason in the first part of the movie there's these two kids. These two kids skip school. And they sneak into a museum? Well, they didn't want to get caught skipping school. It...it boggles my mind. They say they want to go to an arcade, but since its school hours they'd get busted. So they go to learn independently? Nerdiest kids I've ever seen in a movie. And they somehow get so caught up in skipping school they miss leaving the museum to go not be pussies and are stuck there after hours. The kids get even lamer when one of them says, I shit you not, "hey man there's a really cool staircase back here". FUCKING NERDS. The guys would have been caught by Principle Skinner from 'The Boy Who Knew Too Much' in five minutes; that's how out-of-touch with being a kid these kids are.
Oh, then there's the SWAT team. They enter the museum, and instantly seem to forget any sort of training or experiences they had in not being giant sissies at the first sign of trouble.
Did he think it was a fucking Predator?
Of five SWAT guys, one gets eaten instantly, this one throws his gun away, one starts screaming and doesn't shoot the monster as it slowely climbs to him, and two guys try to pull the one screaming guy up, again NEVER FIRING A SHOT. This monster could have died with one bullet for all I know.
But, the real worst thing in this movie, our heroine, Dr. Margo Green. She's a bitch. Here's a rundown:
1. Dr. Green is selfish - When she finds out about a murder, she mostly just wants to get to work because she wants more grant money.
2. Dr. Green is entitled - When she finds out someone is also competing for the grant, she takes it as a personal attack as though every scientist ever doesn't have to work for their money. This is compounded by everyone who's important in the museum agreeing with her; this other guys an asshole, how dare he you're so great, ect. ect. Everyone;s trying to make sure she gets what she wants.
3. Dr. Green thinks if you believe in anything that's not only science, you're an idiot and deserve to be fired - The first third of the movie is her cry-babying that another man at the museum, who deals with ancient religions, gets more attention then she does. This is despite the fact that he helps the museum stay open with his wildly successful exhibits. But because it's faith-based and not something that can be scientifically proven, he doesn't deserve to have a job. Mind you, he's returning actual historical artifacts, but she doesn't give a shit. At one point she insults most of the worlds population, by implying that if you're superstitious about one thing, you'll believe anything.
4. Dr. Green makes her own rules - D'Agosta, again who's just doing his job, says he doesn't have time to talk. Because he;s at a fucking MURDER SCENE. He leaves Dr. Green to go look at the corpse. After waiting a whole 30 seconds she barges in, then says it's his fault she contaminated a scene she knew she shouldn't have gone into.
5. Dr. Green is a condescending liar - Two crates arrive at the museum. One has packing leaves, the other an artifact. Dr. Green says the first case was empty. As in, nothing in it. "Empty?", ask D'Agosta, trying to solve a murder. She replies it means there was nothing in it. Except there was. Now, later one the room these crates were stored in gets vandalized and searched. And she discovers the packing leaves house a fungus that is like none other on earth, so it should be VERY important to the man who discovered it. So there you have motive for why the crate was sent and why someone was looking for it...so of course she doesn't tell the police. Later on she admits to the leaves doing strange things to DNA, but she doesn't point out that the one crate was full of them, oh no. She says the one with the relic was. Because this little cooze can't tell the truth.
I hate her so, so much. And to top it off, she saves the day! D'Agosta gets stuck outside of a door for 20 minutes. A final fuck you to the movie goer. No, I will not be watching this again, unless we get a sweet Phantom Edit that takes Dr. Green out.
"Hey, lemme ask you something. How the fuck does somebody get custody of a dog?"
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